my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
