Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
