idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize