and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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