i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
