im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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