Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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