I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
