I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
