Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
