Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
