ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
