Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
