Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
