Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
