So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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