ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
