I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
