He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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