He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
