your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Drake has all the answers
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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