If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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