Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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