I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
