I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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