Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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