dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
