so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
