OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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