Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
