so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
