Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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