I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
