does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
