Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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