You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
