I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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