I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
