I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
