Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The Olympian is in my bed
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
