I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
