She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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