I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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