i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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