i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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