Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
