I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
