PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You took a bar mat shot.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
