Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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