i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
