how do flat chested girls get laid?
it's like iHOP with fire
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
