if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
