so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
