I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
