I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i think i just lost a toe
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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