cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
