Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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